Kat Mindenhall, LCSW

Why Is Your Pain so Complicated?

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One of the things that really contributes to stress is how our minds make up all sorts of unhelpful ways to help ourselves. One of those ways can be called Complicated Pain. Why is your pain so complicated?

Let’s say you have a young child that throws a tantrum in public. The frustration and possible embarrassment that you feel during the tantrum itself is called Simple Pain. It’s what comes naturally when life doesn’t go your way. It’s to be expected, and it will go away once the tantrum is over.

Now, let’s say that you notice this Simple Pain, and you immediately think to yourself, “I should be more patient,” or “This wouldn’t happen if I were doing a better job as a parent.” These thoughts naturally can lead to feelings of being ashamed, upset with yourself for getting irritated, feeling guilty, etc. That is Complicated Pain. It’s pain brought on by how our problem-solving minds tend to worry about how we worry, or chastise ourselves for feeling discomfort. The problem is, there is virtually no limit to how much Complicated Pain we can bring upon ourselves. There’s always a judgement, regret, worry, and uncomfortable feeling that we can pile on. Quite effortlessly, I might add.

You could take any problem you are having, and make a pie chart representing all of your suffering from a given situation. Divide it into the Simple Pain due to the problem itself (such as: Car broke down, so I have to walk), and the Complicated Pain (such as: Car broke down, so I’m worried about money, afraid that this is going to ruin the whole year, getting upset with my spouse for spending too much last week, irritated with myself for feeling this way, fearing that this means I’ll have to go see a therapist.) Ask yourself whether what you are experiencing is directly from the event, or in any way part of your thoughts about the event.

My prediction is that a lot more than half of your suffering is due to Complicated Pain. Though there are many ways to reduce this, a great and simple way to start is to just notice without judgement that this is happening. You’d be surprised at what might happen for you! But, don’t worry, I have more hints to share in upcoming posts, so stay tuned!

Kat is a counseling therapist in Lakewood, CO specializing in helping people get unstuck from relationship and personal problems.

Work, Balance, and Perfectionism

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work, balance, and perfectionismAs I sit with some rare and (sort of) precious computer time while my toddler naps, I realized that I hadn’t done a blog post or a Facebook or Twitter update in so long! The thought of “catching up” suddenly inspired the perfectionist procrastinator in me to dread it, feel overwhelmed and somewhat lame for letting things go. But this is also a great opportunity to explore what the term “balance” means to me, and why it is that I don’t feel “effective” or “productive” unless I’m all-consumed by a project?

My part time practice is a great way to spend quality time with my son while doing what I love. But sometimes it’s easy to get over-involved in one aspect of your life and neglect the others, which leads (me) to realize that things aren’t balanced. I’m going to start to balance more. I’m starting by letting this be a short(er) post.

Without getting too philosophical, I’m going to practice balance by re-committing to:

  1. Do a little of something in each important area at least a few times a week. Not everyday. Not once a month in a marathon. Some weeks will be better than others.
  2. I’m going to watch my attachment to the thrill of “being super productive.” Being all-consumed for an hour is not as peaceful as consciously avoiding that high and practicing contentment with doing a little bit here and there. I’m making the fulfillment of doing the activity the motivation instead of the drive to tick off a to-do list.
  3. I’m going to explore how I wrap my identity up in these roles, and why that can lead to imbalance. Can I just be here now?

This is about perfectionism and the way that it destroys balance. It’s about how to practice contentment and be mindful in life, make conscious decisions, and not just feel shameful when you let a ball drop.

The house will fall apart.

Your car repairs will be overdue.

You will want to be impatient about how fast you can learn new things.

You will wonder if you have done enough as a parent.

You will struggle to balance work, family, exercise, etc. etc.

You will learn that balance is in the eye of the content.

Marital Problems: What was I thinking when I married my spouse?

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When you have marital problems, it’s natural to focus on the negative and wonder “What was I thinking when I married my spouse?” In fact, that’s probably a very large contributor to why things are not going well. One simple thing that you can do to help take the edge off of your mental hostility toward your partner is to get in touch with what you were thinking when you two got together. Take some quiet time to really think about this. You might even want to start a list, and add to it every now and then when you remember something. If you have trouble with this, it may be that you have been married for 40 years. If so, congratulations! If not, then it is likely that your negativity is making it hard to recall these feelings. You have to move yourself into a different emotional space and take off those crap-colored glasses. These glasses are a huge obstacle to marital satisfaction anyway – you might as well make a few cracks in them.

Answer these questions to yourself:

  1. What initially attracted you to your partner?
  2. What did you tell your close friends or family about your partner?
  3. What kinds of strengths, talents, or qualities did you partner have that interested you, amazed you, or were totally opposite of your own?
  4. How did you two meet?
  5. What kinds of things did you used to do together, in the early days?
  6. In what ways did your friends or family see you two as a good fit?
  7. What were the things that made your knees weak, heart flutter, cheeks flush?

Be careful not to use this list as a comparison for how badly things have gone downhill. Once you have thought about these or even added other things, sit with that warm affectionate feeling for a while. Take a vacation from your current hurt. You may find that this helps you to be warmer and more receptive to your partner. It can’t hurt!

How to Help Young Children Cope with Death

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How to help young children cope with deathOn December 20th, a childhood friend of mine was killed in an accident. Her nine year-old daughter Sarah was orphaned just before Christmas. A tragic and sudden death leaves everyone reeling. Knowing how to help young children cope with death can be difficult given that everyone else is also in crisis. The adults have to function, and the child has to be cared for. Most adults don’t know how to talk to children about death, and don’t know what is and what isn’t normal in the grief process. The subject of children and grief is vast, but this is what you can expect with young children ages 0-9, and how you can help them in their grieving.

Infant-Two Years: Babies and toddlers have no concept of death, and no words to express anything. They live in a physical world. They sense the change in routine, and the loss of the loved one’s presence – their voice, smell, touch, seeing them. They can experience anxiety and fears that they are being abandoned because at this age they are completely dependent. They may cry, have health and sleep issues, and display physical behaviors like rocking, thrashing, hitting, biting, sucking. The most important thing for them is to be able to feel physical closeness and have their routine as close to normal as possible. Affection, cuddling, routines, and a lot of patience will do much to soothe these bewildered little ones.

Three to Five Years: Children this age have no ability to cognitively understand the permanence of death, even if they can understand some of the biology. They feel fear, sadness, anxiety, insecurity, worry, guilt, and confusion. They may think the loved one will return, and wonder what would happen if their other caregiver(s) dies. They may think that their thoughts have the power to cause things to happen, so they may believe that they caused the death by having wished that the person were dead at one time. They take things quite literally, so don’t use metaphors to explain things.

Young children can develop magical stories about the death or what will happen to them. For example, a four year old might think that their mom literally lives on a cloud in heaven, and may worry that she will fall off if the clouds disappear. Young children may seek out situations that help them distinguish the real from imaginary, and can act out scenes of death or develop a fascination with dead things. They may be full of repetitive questions, or act like nothing happened. They might start acting younger than they really are (regress) and want to be held or fed like a baby, or talk in baby talk. Intense emotional outbursts, dreams, and fighting are common.

The important thing for kids this age is to be able to do all of this with support – help them identify feelings and have their routines and structure. Answer questions simply and truthfully, and let the child cry. Don’t worry about the behaviors – as long as it’s safe. Involve them as much as possible in the mourning rituals (but don’t force).

Six to Nine Years: Kids this age are beginning to understand that death is final, and may have a lot of preoccupation with the details as they sort out the biology of death. They may think that their thoughts or actions caused the death, and are starting to ask spiritual questions and form spiritual ideas. A really common thing is to act as if the death never happened, to hide feelings, or be withdrawn. They can also regress. Nightmares and fears of others dying, acting out, and poor grades are common. They worry about what will happen to them if a parent or other loved one dies.

Complex emotions such as anger, guilt, fear, confusion, loneliness, worry, and withdrawal are likely to be present. Encourage art, drama, pretend play, dance, sports. Encourage the child to express their emotions however they can (verbally, through art, etc) without pushing or buying into the notion that they are over it because they seem fine. Be physical with hugs, and don’t discourage their regressing or questions. Work with the school to make sure they get support and have an appropriate workload.

If the child has any of these symptoms for a long time, or has persistent depression, sleep or eating issues, withdrawal, or major school issues, seek professional help. A counselor/therapist can help the child come to accept the death and heal.

Healthy Relationship Change: How to Start

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Healthy Relationship Change: how to startSimple Steps to Create Healthy Relationship Change

So, if you can bring about positive change by focusing on yourself rather than by trying to change the other person, how do you do it? There are two major things you need to do in order to change your dance:

Get clear on what the real issue is

Many times in a conflict we go in with our gloves on but we are unclear about what we are really upset about, or what we want to be different. The most effective way to change your moves is to get some clarity. When you aren’t clear about what you feel and want, you go in and blow things up (and get disapproval instead of understanding) or you give up yourself to keep the peace. So, think about it – what’s the real issue? When you get angry with your kids, are you really feeling hurt that your children aren’t respecting you? Or embarrassed that you can’t control them? Or fearful that you are going to hurt them if you are too hard on them? When your partner does something that you don’t like, what are you telling yourself about what that means, and how are you feeling? Just try to recognize that there are feelings at play – learn to see it. You have a right to your thoughts, feelings, and wishes. If you can state your wishes clearly and make good decisions that honor them, that itself would be a hugely different dance.

Things will get in your way, but don’t give up

We have a right to what we want and so does everyone else. We want others to change for us, and like it. Or, at least let us change without giving us any grief. Sorry, but this isn’t realistic. Change is hard for everyone. This creates anxiety that makes people try to get you to change back. Your job is to stay clear on what you want, not to make the other person’s anxiety about change go away. Your own anxiety about change could be your biggest enemy. If you did things differently, things would change, which can be scary. Things got this way because it serves a purpose, and the dance you know could be easier than the dance you have to learn. The good news is that small, easy steps are the best course of action and usually create positive changes. If you do too much too soon, it’s likely that everything will rebound back to the same old dance. If your expectations are realistic you’ll be prepared for little bumps along the way. So, start slow and don’t get upset if things don’t change immediately.

Once you have put some thought into those two things, you are ready to try out some simple steps:

Strike while the iron is cold. Don’t try to change things during the heat of an argument or difficult time with a loved one. You yourself have to take a step back and calm down so that you can gain clarity and own your position. You also can’t get anywhere with another person when they are upset. Walk away from the fight and let it simmer down. Let the crisis with the kids subside. Then collect your thoughts and address it.

Change how you approach a situation. Do something funny instead – such as create a funny rhyme to recite to your spouse instead of avoiding the issue altogether or storming in.  Express your anger with your spouse through a finger puppet. Write a little note, or something that it just different from how you normally bring something up. Surprise and humor do a lot to change the old fighting dance! Are the kids fighting in public? Do you have the guts to lay down on the floor and pretend to have a tantrum right there in the store and embarrass them to death?

Make more decisions that honor you. This is useful for people, (frequently women, but by no means only women) who find themselves foregoing their needs and wishes to keep the peace with their spouse, kids, parents, etc. Stop waiting for someone to make it easy to change. Usually someone has to make the first move and it might as well be you. It’s important to make it clear that you are doing something for yourself rather than to someone else. If you stay clear about what you feel and need without trying to change the other, you may find that you see more change happening.

Good luck! If you are diligent and keep trying, you will be well on your way to having healthier relationships through being more responsible for your own actions and creating positive change through changing yourself!

 

 

 

 

Relationship Change: The Power Is Yours

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Relationship changeRelationship Change: The Power Is Yours

Many people are frustrated because they have motivation for relationship change, but their partner, teen, or other significant person doesn’t. Did you know that by changing your behavior you can create changes in others’ behavior, too?  You can have a huge positive impact on what seems like a dead-end situation, even if you are the only one doing anything different. This week we’ll start to look deeper at the first and fourth elements of a healthy relationship, being responsible for your own actions and happiness, and thus changing others (by changing yourself).

This is NOT about how to make people do what you want them to do or control them with some Jedi mind stuff. You know that you can create positive and negative responses by doing certain things. Being rude gets you to one place, and being agreeable gets you somewhere else.  It’s about how relationships work. We act, others react, then we react to that, and others react to that, and, I think you get the picture. This is what Harriet Lerner called The Dance – how two people (or more) form a dance of patterns in a relationship. One person takes a step forward, and the other person takes a step back to stay in sync. Our most important relationships are like unique and complex dances. Some dances are harmonious, and some a little more chaotic. To change a person’s behavior, start by changing your dance moves and see how the whole dance changes.

We do the same dances time and time again

Most of the arguments in a relationship are likely to sound like a CD stuck on repeat. Your child does something they are not supposed to, so you react in the predictable way, and so do they. The root of the behavior is never addressed, so you will dance again in an hour. Your partner “always” or “never” does this or that, and you can see a disagreement coming a mile away. The dance is always similar in your head, too. The things you tell yourself about a situation, the emotions that come up for you, they are the music. Are you “always” the yeller, and your partner “always” the silent one? Are you the one that starts all of the “talks”? Or the one that gets all of the “talking to”? With your kids, are you always the bad guy, or the fun parent? The softie, or the hammer? Do you have similar issues with folks at work and in other areas? Are you always the one that rushes in to save a situation from becoming a crisis? Or the one that takes care of others? And the dances we do are very common. You can bet that you aren’t the only one with certain dances you’d like to change.  Think of it has having plenty of company in the ballroom.

You can only move your own feet in any dance

So many people want great relationship change, but they say things like, “I want my partner to do…” Or, “I want to get my kids to stop doing this and start doing that.” It’s fine to want someone to change, and you can do plenty to encourage that, but that’s like looking at another’s feet and thinking that if you concentrate hard enough they will move. You have to focus on what you can control, which is the role you play. The same is true when waiting for someone else to change before you’ll change. Sure, it would be convenient if the other person did something that made it easier or more enjoyable to change what you are doing. But, as long as you are lock-step in the same old patterns that is unlikely to happen.

So, where do I start?

Start identifying your patterns and your dance. You could, if so inclined, sit down with a pen and paper and actually write out what you know to be the steps to something that you and a loved one struggle with. For example: “First, the kids do this, and then we do that, and it ends with this.” Or, you can just observe your life and see if you have that deja vu feeling. In your head you might say something like, “Oh, here we go again…” That would be the first clue that you are dancing.  Is there a point at which you typically lose your temper? Or storm off? Or start to go off in an unhealthy direction with your thoughts? Take an honest look at what part you play in the dance. It can seem hard at first, but with practice you can see patterns emerging.

I would also take a look at Harriet Lerner’s books.