Everyone knows that relationship aren’t easy. When you have discomfort in a relationship, it can signal problems, but not always. If you are wondering, “Is My Relationship Healthy?” Here are 8 uncomfortable feelings that actually indicate your relationship is on the right path. There are no universal rules, so the absence of these feelings doesn’t mean you are on the wrong path. And having these feelings also isn’t a guarantee that you are in a great relationship, either. We just need to be able to recognize things that are uncomfortable precisely because they are new and more healthy ways of relating. Confused yet?
Let’s just dig in. This isn’t exhaustive, it’s just off the top of my head. Please comment about what you would add to this list!
Having the Fear of Losing Your Partner
This is not about paranoia or clinging. But having a healthy awareness that losing your partner is a possibility, and that it would really hurt, is vital to having a healthy relationship. Much of what we do is in reaction to this fear, actually, a whole lot of what we do is. When we can see where this stuff is coming from, it means that we are in touch with what’s at stake and better able to have insight into what we are doing.
Feeling Hurt By Your Partner’s Behavior
As strange as this sounds, many people cover up feeling hurt so well that they don’t even recognize it anymore. All they feel is anger, or numb, or anything other than the vulnerable feeling of hurt. When you are able to identify this, it means you are putting your finger more directly on the dial of what’s going on. And then you can talk more directly about it. And that’s the right path to be on.
Feeling Weak, Embarrassed, Lame, Needy, With Your Partner
No one like to feel weak. When these feelings are coming from genuinely exposing your softer side, the side of you that needs love and actually tells the other person about it, then you are being vulnerable. A relationship where vulnerability is present is on the right path.
Worrying About What Your Partner Thinks of Your Behavior
In our culture, we like to give a big middle finger to what people think of us, and we don’t like to be told what to do. If you are worried about what your partner thinks of your behavior, chances are, you might be thinking about their experience of you in the relationship. Their experience of how you treat them. In a good relationship we think about what the other person might be experiencing thanks to us. If this is uncomfortable, it may mean you are looking at your own stuff more critically. Good job.
Being Scared of How Close You Feel To Your Partner
True intimacy is much deeper than sex. It’s having someone truly know you, and it opens you up to feeling very vulnerable. If this closeness feels good, warm, right, and scary in its intensity as something you’ve never felt before, you may be onto something.
Not Feeling Very Independent When Things Are Tough
We have this bootstrap mentality in our culture. If you aren’t strong on your own, you aren’t strong. You could even be (gasp!) ‘codependent.’ If you draw strength from your partner in times of need, that’s a good sign. If you are going into a stressful job interview and the thought of your loved one telling you “Good Luck” is what helps you through, then awesome. We aren’t lone wolves. Wolves themselves aren’t even Lone Wolves. It’s healthy and vital to be able to turn toward your partner for comfort.
The Urge to Be Honest About What’s Happening With You
In sensitive situations, such as with sex, being honest about what’s going on can be scary. We may want to avoid conflict or are embarrassed. The thought of saying that you aren’t turned on by what’s going on, or your feelings are hurt, can be tough. There are some areas that we tend to be conflict avoidant, and this can lead down the wrong path. If your urge to be honest about your experience overrides your fear that you’ll start a fight or say the wrong thing, this can be a good thing.
Lots of Needs and Fears
There are many things that, just like #1, can be very deep and scary. We also have deep longings in relationships. We want to know that we won’t be rejected. Ever. That we’re lovable no matter how we perform or look or whatever. That our partner deeply cares. That they won’t abandon us. These things are heavy and scary, and most people aren’t aware that they even feel this way. So if you are one of the lucky ones that can get in touch with one of these big feelings, congratulations. You could be on the right track to being able to get those needs met.
One striking thing is that the awareness of these negative or uncomfortable feelings is often a healthy sign. When you ask yourself “Is My Relationship Healthy?” you shouldn’t think that feeling some discomfort is a sign that it’s not. They are signals of needs we have. They are signals that we are stretching ourselves outside of our comfort zone into true vulnerability. The irony is that most of these can yield incredible feelings of security, contentment, warmth, stability, and trust if we know how to navigate ourselves into getting that. This is where we come in, it’s what we do. Let us know if you would like us to help you navigate through the discomfort and into the light in your relationship!
Many uncomfortable feelings could be present in a toxic way, such as in a domestically violent, emotionally abusive, or otherwise unhealthy relationship. Please seek professional assistance if you are concerned that your relationship could have these issues, and never tell yourself it’s OK to feel like crap in a relationship, because that is not true.