Being a Counseling Client

What Will Kill Your Couples Therapy

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couples therapy hopefulnessCouples Therapy has a Killer.

A frequent problem we see for couples in our couples therapy practice in Denver is that it’s just so hard to see a way out of something when you are in the midst of it. Most couples wait an average of six years before entering couples therapy, and by this time there are a lot of stories that they really buy into. They feel like this is just the “way it is.” They are convinced that they have tried everything, and they probably have (until they get into couples therapy). The issues that have plagued their relationship have been going on for so long that they just seem like they are dead ends, and the couple may be pondering whether they are actually right for each other, whether they are “falling out of love”, etc.

This is called hopelessness, and we need to see it for what it is. It is an evil, energy sucking, distraction that sits on your shoulder and tells you that you shouldn’t even try. That you don’t have the energy to try. That nothing is going to change in your relationship, it’s not going to work. Hopelessness is a relationship killer for obvious reasons, but did you know that it’s a major barrier to getting effective therapy services?

Couples who are hopeless about their relationship often:

  1. Don’t seek couples therapy, or don’t seek it in time.

  2. Don’t do the internal work necessary to really look at the issues and create change, because they are already checked out.

  3. Unwittingly sabotage the couples therapy or undermine their partner’s attempts to make positive changes by resisting them.

I think the most harmful effect of hopelessness on the relationship is that it becomes the lens through which we see everything. Your current state of feeling about the relationship becomes the filter through which you see all the issues and possible solutions. Like rose-colored glasses, but… not rosy. It’s the relationship is half dead phenomenon.

The trick is that you have to sidestep hopelessness so that it doesn’t rob you of the chance to improve the relationship. This is difficult since you need to see something positive to become hopeful. Unless you kill hopelessness.

It’s easy to just go along with the hopeless thoughts and not question whether they are even true. Many of our thoughts are not true, or at least are not the absolute, undeniable, unchangeable, fully objective truth. In couples therapy, there are a lot of things that challenge your perception of reality, because you are both deepening your experience of each other to create more understanding, connection, and trust. So why not start on that path before couples therapy by working on your hopelessness?

Here’s how to kill hopelessness:

1. Notice it.

Notice that you are having thoughts that things are pointless, or whatever your mind tells you about why this is just not going to work.

 

2. See it for what it is: a thought.

Thoughts are not always true, and even if they are, they aren’t always helpful. Realizing that, strong as they are, they are still just thoughts, can free you a bit to act (such as pursuing couples therapy even if you aren’t sure it will work, instead of using hopelessness as an excuse).

3. Ask yourself what’s scary about letting hopelessness go.

Is it protecting you from trying and getting hurt? From getting your hopes up? From showing that you are hurting?

4. Bring it out into the light of day.

Talk about the hopelessness with your couples therapist. Chances are, your partner is feeling some of that as well, and a good couples therapist knows that it’s there and wants to help you slay it.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but as a couples therapist I just wish that I could kill hopelessness. It’s such a demon. It’s a symptom of the problem, not the predictor of whether the problem is fixable. And we can do a whole lot in spite of hopelessness if we realize that we are caught in its grips and don’t want to let it run the show.

If you are feeling hopeless in your relationship and just aren’t sure about whether couples counseling could help, we invite you to have a free consultation with one of our wonderful couples therapists in Denver (Lakewood) where you can chat about what couples therapy could do for you.

Your Free Therapy Consultation: 5 Ways to Prepare

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If you are preparing to have a free therapy consultation, congrats on taking the first step to changing things!

There are 5 important things to consider before your free therapy consultation. A free therapy consultation is a wonderful chance to test drive what it would be like to work with a potential therapist.

But, it isn’t therapy. So, what is it? And how do you squeeze all that you can out of it?

1. Arrive early enough to get yourself a nice beverage and sit for a minute.

This will help you take in the scenery and prepare yourself. You may be a little nervous or excited, and if you don’t give yourself a chance to catch your breath you may find that the consultation is half over before you feel present enough to really do #1 and #2 well. Just sayin’.

2. Come ready to spit out your questions.

A good therapist should welcome questions, and their response style will help you decide if you think the therapist can help you. Ask the things that you are hesitant to ask. Are you worried that the therapist is going to judge you? Are you unsure about how the therapist is going to handle certain things? Ask! You are interviewing the therapist, and this is your chance to speak up and get their take on whatever is bugging you about the prospect of having therapy.

3. Come ready to answer some questions.

A consultation is not a time to go into a deep history of your issues, but it is a time to get a snapshot of what you can expect from therapy. The only way to know what to expect is to have a map of where you want to go, and where you don’t want to go. Be ready to answer questions about what you want to get out of counseling, what you DON’T want to get out of counseling, and what is going to happen if counseling doesn’t work. Not only will this help you clarify these things for yourself, it will help you and your therapist talk about your fears and expectations about the process. This will get you off to a running start in your work together.

4. Think about whether you like the therapist as a person.

It’s most important that you feel comfortable with the professional that you have chosen. Research shows that your relationship and how much you just genuinely like the therapist accounts for the majority of your progress in therapy. This is more important than their skills, their particular type of degree, etc. While it doesn’t mean that these things are unimportant, it does mean that your number one task is tuning in to your gut and seeing if this person could be a good fit for you. Any good therapist would agree and say that if you aren’t comfortable with them they would be happy to help you find someone with whom you are comfortable. And definitely choose a therapist that everyone is OK with if you are coming in as a couple/family.

5. Bring your calendar/schedule so that you can book your first session right there, if you are ready.

There is a good chance that if you leave without booking that session, it’s not going to happen. Maybe you don’t want to, but if you do intend to work with the therapist book it. Don’t let the momentum of the consultation be wasted by letting life get in the way (again) and leave you in the same place six months from now – needing to go see a therapist instead of happily living a different life. You won’t be pressured to book at the time, but experience tells me that getting that first session booked is the best way to safeguard yourself from getting derailed.

If you are struggling with relationships and are looking for a way to experience more love, understanding, and respect, contact us to set up a free therapy consultation in Denver or Lakewood today. We can look at what your options are and help you unlock the kind of life you really want.