Last week we talked about the five intentions in a healthy relationship. With the holidays coming I thought we could look at the second one – how to practice healthy and loving communication.
Aunt Betty always does this. Every Christmas she bakes these insane amounts of super rich foods, KNOWING that I am trying to slim down. Is she doing this just to annoy me? And if I DON’T eat, she gets really offended, and then people silently blame me for ruining Christmas! One year she accused me of insinuating that SHE needed to diet because I didn’t want to eat the food!
We have all had one of those situations where we just want to tell a loved one that we prefer that they do or not do something. Before you know it, people are screaming at each other, and you are pretty sure that you didn’t start the argument. You were only trying to say “____”, but they totally blew it out of proportion. Arguments happen, and it would be unrealistic to say that you can always be cool as a cucumber when you are mad about something. But, how are you supposed to be assertive and get your point across if it just starts a fight? Or causes people to give you the silent treatment? And how are you supposed to do this with KIDS?!?
Intend to communicate what is on your mind lovingly, and create a safe space for others to do so as well
How we start a conversation makes a night and day difference in how the conversation goes. Research has shown that couples (and families) who are better at being gentle and loving in starting conversations are happier and stay together longer. If you can start it well with a strong intention to remain loving, you will get better and better at ending it well!
So how do you communicate gently? G.I.V.E!
First, take a deep breath and think about your intention to be loving. And remember that you can only try your best. You can’t control whether the other person chooses to accept this or not. The important thing is that you are making your needs known in a healthy way, not stuffing them or exploding. This creates space for loving communication in return if the other person is willing/able to.
Get it: Start out by showing the other person that you get them – you get their feelings or why they do something. This is simple validation. Example: “Aunt Betty, I know how you enjoy making lots of great Holiday treats and it’s the main way that you practice giving. You love seeing people enjoy themselves at Christmas.”
I-Statements: Next, tell the person what you feel, think, or want by referring to yourself as much as possible. This helps to avoid them feeling like they are being attacked. Example: “I am trying to slim down, and I need to really stick to it over the Holidays. So I can’t eat many of the home made treats this year.”
Validate: This is just like step one, only you are going to do more of it. Try to sprinkle in some feeling words so that the person really feels like you understand, or express some sort of appreciation for them. “I see how much care you put into it, and I really appreciate all of your effort. You make us all feel so loved!”
Encourage: Lastly, try to encourage more good things. This can mean noticing and appreciating someone’s efforts to understand you or listen, or catching them trying to do something new and acknowledging it. If all else fails, you can encourage them by thanking them for letting you say what you needed to. “Thank you so much for letting me say this, it means a lot.”
Notice how much of that formula has to do with being positive: 75%. How much is a criticism aimed at another person? 0%. When you use an I-statement, it doesn’t guarantee that the other person isn’t going to get mad, it just makes it so that you aren’t attacking someone else and making them responsible for how you feel. It makes it clear that you aren’t doing something to spite them, you are doing it because you need to.
To keep things going well continue to G.I.V.E. during the whole conversation. Even if you feel artificial or can’t put all the steps in every time, you will get better and become more natural with it. If you have the intention to G.I.V.E. in every difficult conversation, you will be better off!
What about with kids?
With adults you need to get your needs met, with kids you need to meet their needs. So, the formula for kiddos is slightly different. I’ll devote a whole post to positive communication with kids. Meanwhile, it never hurts to practice letting your children know that you Get It and want to Encourage the good behavior!