Simple Steps to Create Healthy Relationship Change
So, if you can bring about positive change by focusing on yourself rather than by trying to change the other person, how do you do it? There are two major things you need to do in order to change your dance:
Get clear on what the real issue is
Many times in a conflict we go in with our gloves on but we are unclear about what we are really upset about, or what we want to be different. The most effective way to change your moves is to get some clarity. When you aren’t clear about what you feel and want, you go in and blow things up (and get disapproval instead of understanding) or you give up yourself to keep the peace. So, think about it – what’s the real issue? When you get angry with your kids, are you really feeling hurt that your children aren’t respecting you? Or embarrassed that you can’t control them? Or fearful that you are going to hurt them if you are too hard on them? When your partner does something that you don’t like, what are you telling yourself about what that means, and how are you feeling? Just try to recognize that there are feelings at play – learn to see it. You have a right to your thoughts, feelings, and wishes. If you can state your wishes clearly and make good decisions that honor them, that itself would be a hugely different dance.
Things will get in your way, but don’t give up
We have a right to what we want and so does everyone else. We want others to change for us, and like it. Or, at least let us change without giving us any grief. Sorry, but this isn’t realistic. Change is hard for everyone. This creates anxiety that makes people try to get you to change back. Your job is to stay clear on what you want, not to make the other person’s anxiety about change go away. Your own anxiety about change could be your biggest enemy. If you did things differently, things would change, which can be scary. Things got this way because it serves a purpose, and the dance you know could be easier than the dance you have to learn. The good news is that small, easy steps are the best course of action and usually create positive changes. If you do too much too soon, it’s likely that everything will rebound back to the same old dance. If your expectations are realistic you’ll be prepared for little bumps along the way. So, start slow and don’t get upset if things don’t change immediately.
Once you have put some thought into those two things, you are ready to try out some simple steps:
Strike while the iron is cold. Don’t try to change things during the heat of an argument or difficult time with a loved one. You yourself have to take a step back and calm down so that you can gain clarity and own your position. You also can’t get anywhere with another person when they are upset. Walk away from the fight and let it simmer down. Let the crisis with the kids subside. Then collect your thoughts and address it.
Change how you approach a situation. Do something funny instead – such as create a funny rhyme to recite to your spouse instead of avoiding the issue altogether or storming in. Express your anger with your spouse through a finger puppet. Write a little note, or something that it just different from how you normally bring something up. Surprise and humor do a lot to change the old fighting dance! Are the kids fighting in public? Do you have the guts to lay down on the floor and pretend to have a tantrum right there in the store and embarrass them to death?
Make more decisions that honor you. This is useful for people, (frequently women, but by no means only women) who find themselves foregoing their needs and wishes to keep the peace with their spouse, kids, parents, etc. Stop waiting for someone to make it easy to change. Usually someone has to make the first move and it might as well be you. It’s important to make it clear that you are doing something for yourself rather than to someone else. If you stay clear about what you feel and need without trying to change the other, you may find that you see more change happening.
Good luck! If you are diligent and keep trying, you will be well on your way to having healthier relationships through being more responsible for your own actions and creating positive change through changing yourself!